Monday, November 10, 2014

Remaining faithful

I completed my 4th half marathon in September. It was pain free!! But I ran very tentatively. My slowest pace yet, but also one of my proudest runs. :o) I had the honor of running with my aunt- who says I inspire her?! Give me a break. She is the inspiration! :o)  I told myself to take the rest of the year off and cross train. I now know the importance of cross training, so I’m doing P90x3. It is so intense. It makes me cry and I want to quit. LOL. I’m 5 weeks in and I am going to stick with it! I can do a 30 minute workout 6 days a week! I don’t care how bad it hurts! 

 As far as not running? That didn’t last long….  (runners are beyond stubborn) Robbie got the 13.1 itch so he has been putting in some serious runs, and I’ve been bitten by the full bug. So, after a brief 4 week hiatus, I’m a runner again. It’s for the best, too because (I’ve said it before) my mental well-being and overall outlook on life is way better when I am actively running.  Every run brings clarity because it’s my church!  I can tell you, I’m not running enough because I’m stressed and frazzled. :o/ 

So much has happened that has left me disappointed in myself. Bad things happen. People say mean things. People let you down. This is a fact. I’m learning I’m far more sensitive than I realized. I’m also (unfortunately) learning that my faith is shaky at times.  I try to be logical- to solve the problems and figure out my role in situations and how they should be handled moving forward.  I don’t know why I run out of the faith pool like someone yelled “SHARK!!” I mean, really?!? I picture myself completely submerged and 100% trusting in The Lord and His plan. Then, someone says or does something that surprises me and upsets me and I try to run away from God. I try to take the reigns and right the wrongs. IT IS NOT UP TO ME!!!! I AM ONLY HUMAN. I NEED GOD. I need to surrender all of my hurts and stresses. Whether it’s in the realm of finances, careers, or relationships. I realize that relationships are strained and people are…well, human.  I realize that finances can be stressful. A dollar only goes so far and it seems like there are a million “needs.”  My jobs (yes, I have several) have been roller coasters lately. I don’t want to readily admit that I fail. But, I do. I panic. I stress out. And I fret. And for what cause? What good does it do? Why do I run out of pool shrieking when I can quietly pray? I revisit this lesson over and over. Sometimes multiple times a day.  Am I stubborn? Is it simply human nature? One way or another, I know there is peace to be had. A deep breath to be taken. A prayer to be said. I feel like I am really late (or unusually early?) with a new year’s resolution of sorts. Along with whole body strengthening and diet alterations I need to strengthen my faith and trust. In God as well as people.  Jesus is such a forgiver and I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and failure. Then I laugh because Jesus is way more relatable than most give Him credit for. Including me. I mean… Jesus was hurt and betrayed. People let Him down. People hurt Him. He suffered more before the crucifixion  than most do in a lifetime. So why don’t I trust myself to be real with Him? Why do I feel like I have to be polished to perfection before I can deepen my relationship? I DON’T! As I typed that I took a deep breath.  A sigh of relief? Makes me wonder if I truly believe my own words. Can I be really transparent for a moment? I’ve been frustrated lately because I tell myself, “Give it to God” what does that mean exactly? I can picture myself “handing” Him my stress and worries. But it doesn’t last very long before I’m chewing my bottom lip and worrying. (another deep breath…)

It’s going to be ok. This is a season of change and discipline for Robbie and I. We have been working with people at church as we go through the process to join the marriage ministry. It’s been such an amazing experience! We’ve been married almost 10 years and we’ve had some of our best conversations in the past 3 months. I’ve never really thought about it, but it’s crazy comforting to know that he has my back.  He can put up with my small doses of occasional crazy and I know he’s there. And he will be there. We have watched sooo many marriages crumble (especially over the past 12 months) and we are so excited to be a part of this ministry. I hope that through the ministry I can really work hard on consistency with my trust. Not all in one day and a freak out the next, LOL

I feel like I will look back on this season and be proud of how far we’ve come.  I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm praying that through the marriage ministry and through REACH (local outreach ministry) I will increase in humbleness and steadfastness. I can’t waste another minute stressing about money/work because when I do I miss the blessings right in front of me.  I can’t stress about how quickly the calendar fills up because then I’m not fully present at any event!  I have to let go of MY ways. My worries. My fears. My stresses. My hurts. And I have to embrace the warmth that is all around me.  Last deep breath. I already feel a little better. ;)

Isaiah 55:8  "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

Philippians 4:6 “Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”

Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.”