My kids are small. I work part time and I am nearing the
need to go full time, life is crazy and busy. Robbie and I have been married
for 10 years and it’s not always easy. I’m nearing 31 and my expectations are
too high….
Life is not a walk in the park. Life has not been “easy” for
several years now. I struggle-- more as of late. I know others know what I mean
when I say I feel like I’m walking up hill… in the snow…. With 47 pound
boulders in each arm. I mean- I fed my kids cereal for dinner the other night
and I sat there hungry because my brain and my body could not scrape up a meal
idea. Ideal living? Nope. Did my kids think it was fun to eat breakfast for
dinner? Yes. Yes they did (thank, God) But sometimes the feeling of “survival
mode” lasts longer than one would hope. I DO NOT want to come off as sounding
all sad and depressed. Because I know how blessed I am. I love God- who is
ever-forgiving. I have a hardworking husband who is knee deep in chores and
childrearing with me. I have healthy, happy kiddies. But, that doesn’t stop my feelings of being overwhelmed. Of
questioning what I need to do right now to “mold and shape” my tiny beings into
great people. (they already are, by the way) of questioning how I can be
better, how my life can be more impactful.
How I can answer that ever burning question of “what am I doing with my
life?!?”
I legit feel like I’m trying to sort through a 100 year old
attic of questions, feelings, contemplations, and events. Cobwebs, dead mice, dust and all.
Brutal honesty? I’ve been dealing with feelings of
inadequacy- allowing my thoughts to tell me that I’m failing in literally every
aspect of my life. Through it all, I keep hearing the whisper that Jesus
knows. He knows what I’m going through. He understands life. It’s
struggles, it’s challenges, and it’s triumphs. (I referenced this briefly in my
last blog…) He is SO MUCH MORE RELATABLE than we give him credit for! I mean,
in the very, very beginning Adam and Eve lied right to the face of God. They
were forgiven. Abraham lied by
saying that his wife was his sister. He was forgiven… and specifically chosen
by God to do amazing works. Moses
murdered someone before he was called to rescue hundreds of thousands from
slavery! Peter lied by denying Jesus (THREE TIMES!!) and he was chosen to
spread the word of God an he was forgiven. Saul tortured and abused people who
believed in God and he was forgiven- and look what he went on to do!! (He became
Paul and wrote 13 books of the Bible and became the 13th apostle
even though he was a liar, a murderer, and a hater of Christ). Zacchaues was a traitor, but Jesus
singled him out of a crowd of hundreds (maybe thousands??) Jesus was on the
cross in an amount of pain and suffering that is unable to be put into words.
And do you know what he said? Forgive them Father for they know not what they do….. FORGIVE THEM!! Yet, I’m a failure? Nope. I belong in the exact same
category as these great men of thousands of years ago. Because I’m forgiven. And
God says so.
I may be doing a hundred things wrong a day. Am I trying to
do right? Yup. Am I working with my own limited knowledge? Yup! Am I working
off of my own experiences and trying to make educated decisions on what is
right for myself and my family? Yup. Am I gonna screw up? Yup. Every. Single.
day. Am I forgiven? YES!!! Do I have a free pass to make poor choices and
decisions? Absolutely not. (that conversation is for another day! :o)) Does
Facebook (and ALL social media) contribute to my struggles and feelings of
inadequacy? Yes. Yes it does and I would like to look into that a little bit…
When we post on Facebook… who is it for? Me and myself? Are
there posts out there to educate and alert others? Yes. Are there posts to
update far away relatives of the goings-on in our lives? Yes. Are there posts
for pure humor? Yes. Are there posts to glorify God and His amazing works?
Yes!! Is 89.6% self-righteous and self serving? Probably. Do you feel instantly
(even though it may be ever so slight) insecure when beautiful people post
beautiful selfies? Or check in at the gym? Or post a family pic? Let me give
you some truth: most people who post selfies take 13 pictures before picking
the perfect one to post. (I myself
cannot believe the wrinkles around my eyes when I take one!!) Super fun family
outing pics? There was probably some hollering and bargaining milliseconds
before the pic was snapped.
My family’s instance? “Avery!!
Stop hitting Addie!! “ “Addie!!! Stop picking your nose!!!” “Avery! Why did
you take your shoes off?? We are in the parking lot and about to get out of the
car!” “Addison Reese!! Stop rolling your eyes when I’m talking to you” This is the truth, folks. We post our
best selves on Facebook and we could be making others feel inadequate and
insecure while doing so….
you’ve done how many
loads of laundry today?!
You cooked what for
dinner?! (you mean you didn’t feed
your kids cereal for dinner?? )
You went to the gym,
the grocery, the post office, Target, and the bank today?!
You are all finished
Christmas shopping and you bought everyone amazing expensive gifts without even
batting an eye?!
Your family just
returned from an utterly amazing week long vacation to where?!
All while my carpets
need vacuumed. My fans need dusted. My kids need genuine, quality one on one
time. My laundry needs put away. And
I’m working a ton of Saturday’s because Christmas is knocking on the door…
Have you ever noticed how often people are on social media
when they are out to amazing dinners? Or on amazing vacations? Why is that? Why
are people so afraid to disconnect? To be present and real in their own lives?
I don’t have the answer for that…. All I know is I can no longer let this crap
weigh me down. Life is dirty. Life is rough. There are bumps in the road. There
are hurt feelings and broken hearts. I will no longer allow Facebook,
Instagram, or Twitter to be the measuring stick for which my happiness or
success in life is measured. Because I know that I’m a hot mess of a person.
I’m turning 31 in less than 2 months. I have a job, a husband, 2 small kids, 2 dogs,
a cat, a home, and extended family that all require my attention. I’m not
successful at life on the regular. I get that. BUT. I’m forgiven. God’s mercies
and His grace are new every. Single. day.
He has specifically chosen me. He’s numbered the hairs on my head and I
am worthy in His eyes. (and so are
you!!!!)
Now… I have to
go because I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a litter box to empty.
Glamorous? No.
Facebook worthy information? No.
Real life. Abso-friggin-lutley…..
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