Friday, April 23, 2010

back to reality

The time is quickly approaching. The time where I leave my babies with their grandma and I return to work. It's such a "catch 22" feeling. I love being home with them and hanging out with them all day. But there is vital importance in adult time and a little break from the kiddos. Not to mention, I find it very important to contribute to my family by going to work. It definitely isn't easy getting things done around here (ask me about the basket of laundry that has been waiting to be put away for about 4 days now). And my big question is how am I gonna be able to manage work and the house when I can barely manage the house, now? The priorities include: loving, playing with, feeding, changing, and bathing my babies, hopefully feeding and showering myself, and then housework. See how low it is on the list? ;)
Little headway is being made on Avery sleeping in his own bed. The first night I was very adamant about him sleeping in the crib and we were both up until 4 am. By 5:15, he was in my bed. Night #2 I just couldn't bear the thought of no sleep, so he slept in my arms- all night- without one wake up! By night #3 I decided he is still a tiny baby and if he needs to be close to me for awhile then I am ok with that. I will try again in a few days. Maybe he just needs to be a little bit older... Addison hasn't been in bed with us since she was 5 weeks old, so it's very difficult for me to understand why Ave doesn't want his own space. But I'm getting there.
We are still hanging in the balance with my mom... She is waiting to have an ultrasound to determine the stage of her cancer. (They are pretty sure it is stage 2) Once we know for sure, then they will begin radiation and chemo for 5-6 weeks. After an 8 week break from those 2 she will have surgery to remove the tumor. HOPEFULLY that will be the end of this awful nightmare. I hate seeing her so vulnerable and scared. But, I just know that a year from now we are gonna look back and this is all gonna be a memory. But, hopefully it will be a life-teaching memory for all of us. I just wish there was a better way for us to learn it! True character comes out in time of stress and tragedy. and my mom is the same old, smiling, amazingly generous woman that she has always been. The woman that she will continue to be.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

one day changes everything

Isn't it crazy how we all go along with day to day life in our bubble of naive happiness? Until your world is rocked with bad news....
We found out a few days ago that my mom is going to war. Not the kind of war that you go to boot camp for, leave your family and wear fatigues for. Not the kind of war you can prepare for. Her body is at war. She was just diagnosed with cancer.
We do not have a lot of information yet, because it was discovered during a routine test. We meet with doctors on Monday to determine course of action/treatment plan/prognosis/etc. My mom is one of the strongest people I've ever met. I know no matter what we are told that she will battle through this and beat it. She has to.
I miss my naive bubble of happiness. I haven't experienced a great deal of tragedy in my life, but what is worse than finding out your mom is sick? I imagine the only thing worse would be to find out one of your children is sick (my poor grandma and grandpa...)
I'm an adult, but in my eyes my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are "real" adults. To see them broken, saddened, and feeling helpless turns my world upside down. I'm also a fairly strong person (I've been fighting my own battles with health issues for a few years now) but, again, to see my family's foundation feeling weak makes me want to puke.
I hate the "c" word. (cancer). It's hard to even say... I keep repeating myself with "I just don't understand" because I don't.
My my is, has, and always will be my hero. Not because she is going to survive cancer, but because she is an amazing woman. Who has given to those in need without even thinking twice including giving people gas money and emergency airfare money. She has searched high and low for a sock monkey for my daughter after I couldn't find one. She searched everywhere for lemon flavored iced tea for me right after I gave birth to my son because that is all that sounded good and no one could find it anywhere.
No one but my mom.
I plan to keep this updated with my mom's journey- our journey. As she beats this disease. I know it will change our family for the better in the long run. I'm not going to ask why my mom was chosen. I know why. She is strong enough to beat it. That's why.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

been awhile

I haven't blogged since my days on myspace. It's been awhile. A lot has changed since myspace. My purpose in life has been truly defined since myspace. I'm the mother of 2. wow. the mother of 2. I feel like I have a lot of purpose raising 2 amazing babies. Some days I feel empowered to be chosen to be on team motherhood, other times motherhood seems to over power me! The true blessing is knowing the everyday is a new one and every day a new opportunity for learning and growing presents itself. For instance, last night in a no sleep delirium I accidentally fed my child a 2 1/2 oz bottle of water while the formula sat on my night stand waiting patiently to be mixed to the above mentioned bottle of water. My grunting, angry child attempted to notify my that something was wrong. In my haze, I didn't pick up on his cues. All I can do his hope that tonight is better and that I remember the simple step of dumping in the formula that is necessary to nourish my baby.
The thing I am having a hard time balancing in my new life as a mother of 2 is guilt. I have a supportive family that offers to lend a hand in helping with my kiddos. But guilt ensues as soon as I'm offered a break. Even a 10 minute break. I know how much I need 10 minutes to rest/relax/recoup, however time is flying by so fast that no matter how under-rested, how under-showered I may be; I have a difficult time relinquishing my kids (even if it's just one of them) I'm a stubborn person.
I know this isn't much of a blog. But I'm just getting my feet wet. It's a great way for me to clear my head- which is quite foggy due to lack of sleep. I hope that I am able to find time every couple of days (or weeks?) to get out some thoughts. For now, my thoughts revolve around: making sure I add formula to every bottle I feed my son, and making sure I relax when people want to take my daughter on a play date. She very well may need more of a break from me than I need from her! ha!