I am becoming.
Becoming what, you may ask? I don’t know. But I’m ok with it. There are a few things that I do know. I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I ever have been. I have fine lines and occasional breakouts (try finding a face wash for wrinkles AND pimples ;)) I am moody, emotional, occasionally irrational and a lil crazy. But, guess what?! I’m super proud o f who I am. I stand up for what I believe is right and I take a ton of crap for it. A ton. I’m knee deep in “life lessons” and I’d like to take a break LOL. ;) (as you know, I like honesty on my blog…. So here it goes-) I don’t have near the relationship with God as I’d like. I’m so far away from where I want to be. Need to be... One gets betrayed and angry and she walks away?! Nope…. I need to do a U-turn! I know this. I’m trying.
Life just made an insane shift. One that I can feel all the way down to my toenails. Robbie went from working from home 30% of the time… to being gone 90% of the time. We lost our last piece of “first life” (our cat, Meeka, got put to sleep today…)
I have made decisions. Decisions that are pretty painful. But, it becomes too exhausting to carry the load of the past, of other people’s hurtful words, of let down expectations.
It’s an irony…. Having a social media profile or writing a blog… How do you buck the representation that your life is perfect without airing all your dirty laundry? I wish I had the answer because I hate filtered photos, I strongly dislike –daily- lovey, schmaltzy posts to a spouse (or boyfriend or g/f), because I often know the behind the scenes and it makes me cringe. It makes me want to walk away. But, I’m not a coward. A person can unfriend me because I angered them. Whose loss is that? Not mine. A person can bully me via text message for no good reason and I’m not the one suffering. But you know what makes the irony a cruel joke? I am really happily married. I love my tiny beings with my entire soul. I have an amazing home church with lots of developing relationships and potential. I run. I workout. I’m so so blessed. But, I hold back because I never want to appear like I’m bragging because I know the flip side of that coin. I am tired of mean people out to hold my happiness against me- to convince me that I’m not truly happy. To convince me that I am nasty, jealous, judgmental, snobby, and arrogant. I am none of those things. I am a person learning to swing at curve balls. I am a person teaching my children to walk with a Bible in one hand and their head held high. I am a person being forced to make decisions on a dime. Don’t like? Please know that I love you still. I am a person who has learned more in the past 3 years. The past 6 months? The past 24 hours?! Because I think I was gifted the ability to reflect on situations from an outside perspective… which is interesting because my own “self reflection” sucks. I tend to knock my own abilities and my own self worth. However, I may not be great at self-compliments or self-reflection. These are a few things that I’m certain of:
One can stand up for what they believe in and they will be called judgmental.
One can walk away from toxicity and they may be called high and mighty.
One can live a life based on biblical principals and they may be called snobby.
One can continue to walk the narrow path of individualism or
one can totally concede to earthly requests from people who may or * may not * know any better. I chose to be who I am. Because I am proud of me. I often feel lonely... Before I remember. I am never alone. I have an ever graceful God. And I owe Him everything. including some time in my Bible. Because, even though life is ridiculously hard. He has blessed me one million times over. I owe Him everything. So. I smile. With no animosity or negativity I smile. Life is not what I would have projected it to be.
But, I smile.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation
And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.
The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7