Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I love cold coffee. Not iced coffee, but a cup of hot coffee that has sat for an hour or so... Especially blueberry. Life has me running around so much that by the time I remember that I made a cup of coffee it is ice cold. And now I prefer it that way. I guess we all make adjustments to life- our circumstances, our expectations. everything. we are constantly adjusting. I surprised myself today when I realized how much I'm still adjusting to 2 kids! My 6 month old STILL doesn't sleep through the night and it's really starting to wear on me. I have to work harder at adjusting to the fact that a good night's sleep is a thing of the past. I may regain it someday, but for today, I have to realize that this is life! I may be tired, but I still have to enjoy it! I'm also still adjusting to calling my mom and hearing a sick woman answer the phone. She had her major surgery almost 2 weeks ago and she is still feeling really sore and nauseated. She starts her very intense chemo in a couple of weeks (a month, maybe?) So, unfortunately, she is gonna be sick for the next 6 months. I'm not a negative person- in fact, I tend to be a very practical person. But the truth of the matter is she will be having poison pumped into her veins for the next 6 months, so she is going to be sick. And I don't like that. I connect the whole cancer thing to the first year of my son's life. It's supposed to be an amazing time in my life! Watching him grow, change, and learn is wonderful. But I'm afraid I'll look back and compare everything to where my mom was in this awful journey.... I don't wanna be robbed of happy memories of my son's first year of life, but it is very difficult to separate the happy moments from the sad (and frustrating) ones. In fact, this whole nightmare should be over right around his first birthday. But if we can celebrate his first year of life as well as a cancer free woman then it'll just be one hell of a party!! There is other family issues going on and when that is thrown into the mix I just feel really overwhelmed! I know, I know- God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. It's just a lot at once! PLUS, my husband and I are trying to decide if we should buy land and build a house. We want to be close to our family and there are just no houses in our price range. I've heard from multiple people how stressful the building process is and we already have SO MUCH going on! I just hate things being up in the air! I want decisions made and I want them made yesterday! I love a plan! And we don't have a plan right now. It makes my head spin. And having a house for sale sucks! That has to play a role in our decision to build as well. I'm getting lost in the "issues" and I don't like that either! I just want my "normal" back- but that reality is this is my normal. Damn. I don't like that either. That's where expectations bite us in the butt! That's where we have to adjust! I don't wanna put my head down and just barely make it through the days, but I feel like that's what I'm doing! I have to put my head down to dodge the bullets coming from every direction! At least when I look up I get to see my smiling babies. I've said it before and I have to reiterate it... God gave me those beautiful babies so I could handle a sick mom, a job that sometimes sucks, having a home for sale in a crappy market, family drama and every other bullet. My babies ground me. They are my comic relief every day of the week! Most days, I need them more than they need me. That's the miracle of parenthood. I hate to use this just to complain! But I need an outlet! I have a lot of faith that things WILL be ok! And in the grand scheme of things these nuisances that are weighing me down right now are gonna be taken care of. I just need to let them go. It's not gonna be easy. But having faith isn't always easy! Just as life isn't either. So, that's why I say- I just need to let 'em go! And I need to wake up every morning, smile, and thank God for my existence and my hundreds of blessings.