This blog is brought to you by 90s music and very short runs…..
My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at
all….. (thank you. Dido)
Today is/was… IS my mom’s birthday
and my heart is more broken than I expected. We took the time to spread joy,
which helped. We purchased a bunch of chick-fil-a gift cards to pass out. We
chose random strangers and gave them away, telling the recipients that we are just
trying to spread joy. Well, of all the Godwinks… it happened to be one of the recipient’s
birthdays, too!! I was able to tell her why we were doing what we were doing,
and it was amazing. I’m glad we followed through, because, honestly- I wanted
to go back to bed and cover up my head. I’m thankful for the strength that the
Lord blessed me with to get through this day…. And the 325 before it.
I will do the laundry…. If you pay all the bills…. (where
have all the cowboys gone? Paula Cole)
I lost my job. Shocker, right? I
mean, my last blog discussed the urgency I felt to leave the field of skilled
nursing occupational therapy. I had NO IDEA that God’s timing was warp speed
compared to mine. I had no idea how close I was to being an unemployed, stay-at-home-mom
with school age children. While, my goal is not to stay home, I am completely
trusting God’s plan for future employment for myself. I cannot discuss any
terms of unemployment due to legalities, however, I can say, that I was laid
off, not ‘terminated.’ So, I’m trying to
settle into my new role for as long as it lasts. I have no guilt, because circumstances
are outside of my control. But, I have to adjust to being a homemaker while my
husband is the breadwinner for as long as this situation lasts. Time is a
blessing and for that I am grateful. I’m praying that I will use the time wisely
and to His benefit. I’ve literally laughed out loud because- for almost 2 years
now- people have asked me why I went back to college. I’ve always given some
rendition of “I DON’T KNOW?!” But, now I have a greater understanding of God’s
work into my future when I was clueless. Nothing builds faith like receiving answers
to questions that have been brewing for over a year. Nothing builds faith like
a blind leap off of the cliff into unemployment!
Friends come a dime a dozen, but I will never find a
friend like you (never lie. Immature)
Can I take
a moment to give a shout out to my bestest friend? She lost her mom four months
after I lost mine. That in and of itself is pretty bizarre…. But, she knows my
polished and she knows my ugly. She sent me a very personal and very special gift
today to help me get through my mom’s birthday…. The first without her on
earth. That is amazing and I’m forever speechless and thankful for her love and
friendship. I have very low self- confidence and I often feel like I don’t
matter. But, little gestures like that fill me up completely and they make me
so so happy. (My other very best friend- who also lost her job, found it within
herself to text me today to tell me that she is thinking about me- that means
everything because she is going through a lot with the loss of her job!) A girl
with more than one best friend is blessed beyond belief. I pray that I can meet
them where they are even half of the time! I definitely have to pay it forward to
them and for them!
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, or even your year;
I’ll be there for you. (I’ll be there for you. The Rembrandts)
And what it all comes down to is that I haven’t gotten it
all figured out just yet…… And what is all comes down to is that is that
everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine….. (hand in my pocket. Alanis Morisette)
Things will go your way if you hold on for one more day.
(hold on. Wilson Phillips)
I do not know what my future holds.
Whether it is in regard to my career, my college aspirations or my parenting
style. I occasionally want to scream “I DON’T KNOW!!!” While, I do not know--- I
trust! It’s the best feeling. I could receive a request for a job interview
on Wednesday. Or I could get a job offer on Tuesday. Or neither could happen and it could be March
and I’m still unemployed. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m
ever-trusting…. I can remember times where I would cry and fear and fret (last
Tuesday?!). Today is not one of those times. God has laid out my future and it
may look like a CandyLand board game right now, but THAT’S OK!!! Because I
trust.
Every step I take, every move I make. Every single day.
Every time I pray. I’ll be missing you. (I’ll be missing you. Puff Daddy)
I got my eggs and my pancakes, too. I got my maple syrup,
everything but you……. (you were meant for me. Jewel)
I miss my mom so dearly. Inside of
my fingernails and eyebrows and even in my split ends. I miss her. I crave her.
I feel her right behind me sometimes. To the point where I truly believe that I
am going to turn around and see her standing there. I want to tell her about
the loss of my job; my career of 12 years…. I want to tell her that my daughter
is a beautiful (almost 12-year-old) gifted student who plays the flute. I want
to tell her that my son’s soccer team went undefeated and they are going to
state. I want to tell her that my husband and I have an amazing trip to Maui
planned. But, I can’t. I know she knows.
I know the Lord forgives
me for any anger/bitterness/frustration/uncertainty that I feel. And that is a
part of the beauty of being a Christian. He knows that we are human and that we
question, and we have anger/bitterness/frustration and uncertainty.
You can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right.
(when I come around. Green Day)
Any given individual should not
have to face the loss of a job within the same year as the loss of a parent,
but you know what? I’m good. I’ve got this because I trust. I could be a giant
puddle of soupy sadness, but I’m not. And it is all because of the grace of God.
It has nothing to do with my own strength. It’s all thanks to Him. I have the
time to run, to learn, to pray, to grow, and to build relationships. I don’t deserve
those blessings, but, I will allow them to fill me up in this season. I trust
the next season and I eagerly look forward to it.
I’ve been livin’ with a heart on the mend wondering how
will I ever be strong? (know my own strength. Lorrie Morgan)
I’m hoping and praying that I have
grown and thrived during the past 11 months of grief. Losing a parent is
indescribable. Losing a career is horrible. I want to make my mom heaven-smile. I want to make my husband and
children proud. Maybe that is by taking an amazing new job. Maybe that is
continuing on into a master’s program. ? I’m thankful that I have included my
children in every aspect of my grief and faith because the good Lord has showed
up in every single facet. It makes me proud to share my blind journey with them.
Even if it is just by being little old me ?! Little, almost 36-year-old, unemployed,
college student, old me?????
and with a broken wing she still sings. She keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing. She carries her dreams...... MAN YOU OUGHT TO SEE HER FLY!!! (a broken wing. Martina McBride)
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