Love and 100 miles

I don’t even know what to say. Yet, I feel like I can’t hold any of it in.

I’ve 36… I sometimes forget and think that I am 37 (and I feel 49). My husband politely reminds me of the truth, which, I guess I am ok with.

I am trying…. *trying* to get back into running. I’ve let myself go in many ways and that includes distance running. I ran 2 ½ miles and then I ran a 5k!! That is the farthest that I’ve gone since October of 2018 (when I ran the Nationwide Children’s half). As I am typing, I’m wondering if running has been too wrapped up in the loss of my mom. Nationwide was just a few weeks (a month, maybe?) before her passing. It’s probably hurt too much for my soul to meet the road.

But, it’s time.

I’ve been unhappily unemployed for ELEVEN months. It was an unexpected yet, somehow, totally predictable change in my daily life. Work was awful, yet I loved my mission of helping the elderly. I’ve used my time off to finish my bachelor’s degree. I even graduated with honors and was inducted into the national honor society! I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not taking full advantage of the gift of time that I have been given. I mean, I was able to be off with my kids during home schooling and a pandemic! I know that is a huge blessing and not something that I should take for granted…. Yet the guilt ensues. Mommy life is tough. Working moms face guilt. Non-working moms face guilt… who wins?! I definitely haven’t figured that one out.

SO. Since I’m unemployed and have been given the gift of time I have decided to lace up and hit the pavement. I set a goal 3 years ago to reach 100 miles in 1 month. I did not meet that goal. I’m setting it for October 2020.

In an election year.

In a time of confusion.

In a time of division.

In a time of frustration.

In a time of 24-hour news and social media with far too little facts and far too much fear mongering. I have decided that I must run.

I have 31 days to run 100 miles and I cannot. Stinking. Wait.

When I run…. I pray, I bird watch, I problem solve, I write, I worship. And I think. I burn off all of the day’s craziness and everyone around me wins.

Considering that my longest run in the last 24 months is 2-3 miles, I am facing a big challenge. But, if my 12 ½ year old daughter can race at a cross country meet with shin splints than I can do it. If my kids (and their teachers) can wear masks at school all day every day than I can do it.

If my son can stand up in front of a congregation and state why he wants to be baptized in the name of the Lord, then I can run.

If loved ones including a sister, a cousin, and my BFF (who are all essential healthcare workers) can work amidst a novel virus, then I can run.

If police officers can suit up and go to work- knowing that in some communities that they are hated and wished dead. Then I can run.

If black individuals are fearful of their life and honestly and respectfully fighting for equality, then I can run.

If firefighters can continue to fight record breaking wildfires than I can run.

The world seems to be at a dark and scary crossroads. Officers are loved on dates like Sept. 11^th, 2001 and August 4^th 2019. But their daily sacrifices are forgotten when terrible things happen like the death of individuals in police custody. I don’t have all of the answers.

All I can do is pray for and hope for peace and I can remind those around me that most of us are not the judge or the jury. In a climate such as this, that is almost impossible. So. I will run.

I don’t have twitter. Or Instagram. or tik tok. Or Facebook. But, I have running shoes, sunshine, God, and time. I wish you all did, too. But, since you might not-- please know that I will be spending my running time praying for you! Praying that your heart is fulfilled in the name of the Lord, that your soul has guidance. That you have protection and safety. That your voice feels heard in a safe and productive way. That you feel LOVED. Since I will be out on the road and in prayer for over 18 hours in October, I hope that you feel my prayers. And I hope that by the end of October there will be less wildfires. Less riots and fear. Less anger and hatred. More love and unity. More prayer. More kindness. Less division. Less arguing and more love. Because…. All we need is love, right?

 

“There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known

Nothing you can see that isn’t shown

There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be

It’s easy

All you need is love.”

-The Beatles

 

If I speak in the tongue s of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now, we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-1 Corinthians 13

 

 

I wish my mom were here.

 

I wish my mom were here.

For one million reasons; maybe more.

I have Jesus and He is always near.

But, I wish my mom was here.

 

She could give me a gentle kiss and push my hair from my tear stained face.

While imparting her motherly wisdom and amazing grace.

Saying “everything will be alright”

While hugging me tight

 

I wish my mom were here.

I could tell her I graduated with honors, but I still, somehow, don't have a job.

She’d say, “be patient. The right one will come along.”

She’d heal my hurts with her mother’s magic balm.  

 

She’s in the arms of the Heavenly Father

Forever free

Free from pain

Free from cancer

Free from worry

Free from fear

But, still, I wish my mom was here.

 

Only she can build up her child

From the ground up and from the depths of despair

This is why no one will ever compare…  

Not a friend, or a sister. Not even a significant other

Can compare to the understanding of one’s mother

 

I wish my mom were here

Because I wouldn’t have to lie and say I’m fine

I could say “I’m broken.” “I’m lost.” “I’m scared.”

I’m sure she’d have a great response.  A perfect line.

 

I wish my mom were here

Because the world is a scary place

Wildfires

Hurricanes

Riots

Murders

And far too little grace

She’d say “everything will be ok”  

She could say “you’re not alone” and she’d probably quietly pray

 

 Even with good news, it can feel so isolating. So alone.

If only she could pick up the phone.

I wish my mom were here because often times, her absence is too great a burden to bear

Even after 2 years, it can all feel like a never-ending nightmare

 

I wish my mom were here.

Her grandbabies are growing

And nanas are all loving and all knowing!

My sisters need their sweet mama

she could shoulder some of their hurt and fear

If only my mom were here

 

I trust in my Heavenly Father with my whole heart

But cancer sucks and it tears families apart.

Even in Heaven she is missed beyond words

I try to find solace in the trees and in the birds 

But I find myself missing her more and more 

It's much too hard to ignore

I just wish my mom was here.

 

Sooner than we wanted or expected, she left us for a better place.

Leaving behind a void that we can never erase.

She is safe

She is free

Resting in peace for all of eternity.

I believe that her spirit is always near.

But still, I wish that my mom was here.....

 

 

Happy birthday, sweet, mama

This blog is brought to you by 90s music and very short runs…..

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all….. (thank you. Dido)

Today is/was… IS my mom’s birthday and my heart is more broken than I expected. We took the time to spread joy, which helped. We purchased a bunch of chick-fil-a gift cards to pass out. We chose random strangers and gave them away, telling the recipients that we are just trying to spread joy. Well, of all the Godwinks… it happened to be one of the recipient’s birthdays, too!! I was able to tell her why we were doing what we were doing, and it was amazing. I’m glad we followed through, because, honestly- I wanted to go back to bed and cover up my head. I’m thankful for the strength that the Lord blessed me with to get through this day…. And the 325 before it.

I will do the laundry…. If you pay all the bills…. (where have all the cowboys gone? Paula Cole)

I lost my job. Shocker, right? I mean, my last blog discussed the urgency I felt to leave the field of skilled nursing occupational therapy. I had NO IDEA that God’s timing was warp speed compared to mine. I had no idea how close I was to being an unemployed, stay-at-home-mom with school age children. While, my goal is not to stay home, I am completely trusting God’s plan for future employment for myself. I cannot discuss any terms of unemployment due to legalities, however, I can say, that I was laid off, not ‘terminated.’  So, I’m trying to settle into my new role for as long as it lasts. I have no guilt, because circumstances are outside of my control. But, I have to adjust to being a homemaker while my husband is the breadwinner for as long as this situation lasts. Time is a blessing and for that I am grateful. I’m praying that I will use the time wisely and to His benefit. I’ve literally laughed out loud because- for almost 2 years now- people have asked me why I went back to college. I’ve always given some rendition of “I DON’T KNOW?!” But, now I have a greater understanding of God’s work into my future when I was clueless. Nothing builds faith like receiving answers to questions that have been brewing for over a year. Nothing builds faith like a blind leap off of the cliff into unemployment!

Friends come a dime a dozen, but I will never find a friend like you (never lie. Immature)

            Can I take a moment to give a shout out to my bestest friend? She lost her mom four months after I lost mine. That in and of itself is pretty bizarre…. But, she knows my polished and she knows my ugly. She sent me a very personal and very special gift today to help me get through my mom’s birthday…. The first without her on earth. That is amazing and I’m forever speechless and thankful for her love and friendship. I have very low self- confidence and I often feel like I don’t matter. But, little gestures like that fill me up completely and they make me so so happy. (My other very best friend- who also lost her job, found it within herself to text me today to tell me that she is thinking about me- that means everything because she is going through a lot with the loss of her job!) A girl with more than one best friend is blessed beyond belief. I pray that I can meet them where they are even half of the time! I definitely have to pay it forward to them and for them!

When it hasn’t been your day, your week, or even your year; I’ll be there for you. (I’ll be there for you. The Rembrandts)

And what it all comes down to is that I haven’t gotten it all figured out just yet…… And what is all comes down to is that is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine….. (hand in my pocket. Alanis Morisette)

Things will go your way if you hold on for one more day. (hold on. Wilson Phillips)

I do not know what my future holds. Whether it is in regard to my career, my college aspirations or my parenting style. I occasionally want to scream “I DON’T KNOW!!!” While, I do not know--- I trust! It’s the best feeling. I could receive a request for a job interview on Wednesday. Or I could get a job offer on Tuesday.  Or neither could happen and it could be March and I’m still unemployed. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m ever-trusting…. I can remember times where I would cry and fear and fret (last Tuesday?!). Today is not one of those times. God has laid out my future and it may look like a CandyLand board game right now, but THAT’S OK!!! Because I trust.

Every step I take, every move I make. Every single day. Every time I pray. I’ll be missing you. (I’ll be missing you. Puff Daddy)

I got my eggs and my pancakes, too. I got my maple syrup, everything but you……. (you were meant for me. Jewel)

I miss my mom so dearly. Inside of my fingernails and eyebrows and even in my split ends. I miss her. I crave her. I feel her right behind me sometimes. To the point where I truly believe that I am going to turn around and see her standing there. I want to tell her about the loss of my job; my career of 12 years…. I want to tell her that my daughter is a beautiful (almost 12-year-old) gifted student who plays the flute. I want to tell her that my son’s soccer team went undefeated and they are going to state. I want to tell her that my husband and I have an amazing trip to Maui planned. But, I can’t. I know she knows.

 I know the Lord forgives me for any anger/bitterness/frustration/uncertainty that I feel. And that is a part of the beauty of being a Christian. He knows that we are human and that we question, and we have anger/bitterness/frustration and uncertainty.

You can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right. (when I come around. Green Day)

Any given individual should not have to face the loss of a job within the same year as the loss of a parent, but you know what? I’m good. I’ve got this because I trust. I could be a giant puddle of soupy sadness, but I’m not. And it is all because of the grace of God. It has nothing to do with my own strength. It’s all thanks to Him. I have the time to run, to learn, to pray, to grow, and to build relationships. I don’t deserve those blessings, but, I will allow them to fill me up in this season. I trust the next season and I eagerly look forward to it.

I’ve been livin’ with a heart on the mend wondering how will I ever be strong? (know my own strength. Lorrie Morgan)

I’m hoping and praying that I have grown and thrived during the past 11 months of grief. Losing a parent is indescribable. Losing a career is horrible. I want to make my mom heaven-smile. I want to make my husband and children proud. Maybe that is by taking an amazing new job. Maybe that is continuing on into a master’s program. ? I’m thankful that I have included my children in every aspect of my grief and faith because the good Lord has showed up in every single facet. It makes me proud to share my blind journey with them. Even if it is just by being little old me ?! Little, almost 36-year-old, unemployed, college student, old me????? 

and with a broken wing she still sings. She keeps an eye on the sky. With a broken wing. She carries her dreams...... MAN YOU OUGHT TO SEE HER FLY!!! (a broken wing. Martina McBride) 

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3 trimesters of loss

August 31, 2019

For the record, I should be doing homework. But this felt more important. 

It’s been 9 months and 1 day. How is that possible? I’ve put one foot in front of the other for 9 months and 1 day after the loss of my mom. I can talk about how much I miss her (because I do) or I can talk about how lost I’ve felt, how bottom of the barrel I’ve been… But those aren’t positive perspectives and they are rather selfish. But, they are a part of my story, even if they aren't sunny. I can talk about how I’ve grown. How I feel like I’ve aged. I mean, I must be at least 432 years old by now. To watch a soul; a beautiful, kind, and hurtingsoul flutter between heaven and earth like a butterfly, fundamentally changes a person. Losing a parent changes every single molecule in your body. It’s changed my view of the world. The things I tell my children. It’s changed my approach at work and with my own health. I’ve mentioned before that my children have prayed for healing for their nana for years. At the moment of my mom’s ascent into heaven, she was healed. For those of us left without her; we were faced with an unknown. In death, my family learned forgiveness. And I want to be clear- forgiveness does not take away pain, loss or hurt. It does, however, bring togetherness.  And togetherness can minimize the feelings of pain, loss and hurt. It can knit together a blanket that you never even knew you needed. 

A woman can grow a sweet, innocent life in the safety of her uterus in 9 months. What have I been up to in that time? It feels like hell and back. I’ve lost, gained, and lost 10 pounds. I’ve started and stopped medicine for severe and uncontrolled anxiety. I can immediately bring up the raw, angry, confused, and overwhelmed feelings of the month of October, November and December. I’ve dealt with insomnia. I can remember sunny days that made me cry because I hurt. I can remember rainy days that made me cry because I hurt. Beautiful Midwest sunsets? Hurt. Songs on the radio? Hurt. Bonfires and time with friends? Hurt. The frustrating days when it feels like nothing but a sheer veil separates me from a hug and a gentle kiss from my mama.... HURT! It’s such a juxtaposition to feel hurt and peace at the same time. My mom and I did not always have an easy relationship, but I know no matter what, she would have dropped everything and been there for me. The hurt comes from not having more time and not being able to say everything I wanted to say even though I knew what was coming. The hurt comes for my kids and my sisters. And my niece and nephews. My granny. And my dad….  The peace comes from knowing that the presence of the Lord is with me at all times. Peace comes from knowing that I have a good, good Father. It comes from knowing that the  same power that rose Jesus from the grave is the power that took my sweet mama from this earth. The peace comes from the family gatherings that we have had since November. It's knowing that He loves me anyway. The peace comes from that knitted blanket that I didn’t even know I needed. 

 Falling asleep at night is still so tough because I go back to that night. The heavy air. The tears. The fear. I grasp onto the Lord and pray like crazy when I cannot get my brain to walk around the block—to run from that night. It just keeps reappearing.  I can see a sliver of the light in that night. I can see the Lord welcoming my mom with open arms, but it’s fleeting. It’s still mostly heavy with the tears and the fear. Hence, the insomnia. 

18 months ago, if someone would have asked me why I sporadically and impulsively started working towards my bachelor’s degree I would have said “I don’t know.” I have an amazing job where I’m blessed to help those in need. So, why, out of nowhere did I get the idea to go back to school? I didn’t know at the time…  I can now see the opening in the road, and I can say that the good Lord ordered my path. I feel like my time is nearing to step away from the field of occupational therapy and enter the field of management/leadership. I want to pursue a master’s in organizational leadership, and I want to utilize my experience, my faith, and my education to lead. I am not a person who seeks attention in a crowd. I’m a person who works hard but wants to stay blended in. I’m feeling an urgency to break out and share what I have to offer with others. I want to set an example for my children. I want my husband (and my dad) to be proud of me (and regardless of her absence on this earth, I want my mom to be proud, too). I want to make the most of my time because I may very well only have 60 years and 40 days here. I want to be an example of God’s love and redemption.  

I have gotten 2 tattoos since my mom died. One is a “greater than” symbol. This is to remind me that Forgiveness > bitterness. Faith > fear. Love > anger. HE is greater than every fear, tear, worry, anxiety, and stress I may have. I also got the word ‘always’ written in my mom’s handwriting. This is to remind me that she is always with me. That love and kindness is always the answer. That God is always beside me, with me, in my heart, and carrying me. That He is always laying the bricks on my path. I am always saved. Always forgiven. Always loved. No matter how angry, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, lost and lonely I may feel. 

Last summer (2018), I took a required course called “spirituality in death and dying” and the timing could only be God’s and I still value the information I learned in that course. Right now, I’m in a class called “spirituality in healthcare.” It comes at a time when I still haven’t fully acknowledged all of my emotions in regard to my mom’s death. And at a time when work is so incredibly stressful that I fully need a punch-in-the-face reminder of why I do what I do. Whatever the future may hold- right now- I’m a direct patient care provider and I need to live up to that calling. 

What is the point of this post? To update that 4 ½ people that read it. Or maybe just a way for me to release the stream of consciousness that has been building up. To say that I stand here in victory- during the storm.- 

Maybe it’s just for me to say hallelujah. Because I was blessed enough to have an angel in the shape of my mom...

My dear mama (originally posted 3/20/19)

March 20, 2019

Have you ever lived an hour in 60 seconds? What about a year? Or 34? The minute my mom died feels like all 34 years of my life crammed into 60 measly seconds. While I do not (and AM NOT) summing her 60 years and 40 days into one minute, it feels like that one minute holds so much power over me. I lost my sweet mom on November 30th at 1:20 am. And I am not the same person. I’m underwater and sometimes words and conversations sound fuzzy. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I eat. I sleep a lot. Sometimes I want to clamp my hands over my ears and lay on the floor. My soul ping pongs between utter faith in the Lord and His plan and sheer anxiety and fear over what happened.  

It seems it’s been a winter of nothing but loss. I lost my mom. My best friend just lost her mom. My husband lost a coworker. 2 of his coworkers lost uncles. A friend lost a friend at age 39. A friend lost her mom and grandpa at the same time! A friend lost a baby in utero. The world lost Luke Perry.  It seems that as our part of the country ices over and snow falls- the gates of Heaven open up and welcome an influx home. It’s a time of rest and cold awaiting renewal as there are no leaves on the trees and no green grass to speak of. 

It feels like it is over. Her sickness, her confusion, her tears and pain. Our friendship and phone calls. Our memories and relationship. Yet, it feels like it is just the beginning. The beginning of my mourning. And my new life without a mom. Not having a mom to give me advice or recommend a recipe. No mom to call to listen to how my work day went. Or to ask about my kiddos and their lives. It’s empty and it’s just the beginning.

It’s ironic that today is the first day of spring and I finally feel capable to write this. It seems, per my old patterns, that I tend to write victory stories once I’ve weathered the storm. I’m still in the storm, folks. Sometimes, at work, I lock myself in the bathroom, fight back tears, pray, and literally say “I think I can, I think I can.” Just to get through my work day…. Which is only 5 hours, so one wouldn’t think that it would be so damned hard. But, it is. I work in a nursing home, so I take care of many individuals who are closer to 100 than they are to 60 and that can feel bitter. I’ve got less motivation than I’ve ever had. I’ve even changed into workout clothes and gone into the basement only to turn right around and go back upstairs and change into sweats without ever starting the workout! It doesn’t feel good to admit this, but it’s total truth. Losing a parent sucks. Losing a parent to an 8 year battle with cancer effing sucks. But all things are renewed in the spring time, right? Crocuses and tulips are pushing through the soil with a renewed vigor and I’m desperately trying to follow suit. I’ve been taking classes online through Kettering College for a year and I took winter semester off because I felt too scattered and too tired to complete homework and research projects. However, after putting it off for 9 days- I just registered for summer semester and I feel a small—a very small glimmer of excitement. 

I believe fully in The Bible and Jesus. I trust the Lord with my whole heart, and I know that my mom is in Heaven. I dream about her frequently. Sometimes, she is confused and in a hospital bed, while other times she is alive and well and cooking dinner. Yet, she’s never said “I’m ok” when I’m dreaming about her. But, my sisters and I have all had awesome close-to-my-mom and close-to-God experiences and that should be enough for all of us! I want to list a few for my own comfort and memory.

2 ½ days before my mama died, I directly questioned God by throwing up my arms and yelling “really?!” while looking skyward. Then, I walked out to my mailbox and a complete stranger pulled up to me, smiled, and said “everything is going to be alright” I said “I needed to hear that more than you know” and he said, “I just felt like I needed to let you know that everything is going to be ok.” 

While working on a slideshow for her viewing, my computer kept closing out and the music would start playing “drink a beer” by Luke Bryan. 

A friend from Arizona text me and it simply said “I love you and I’m thinking about you” I responded with “did you know that today was my mom’s funeral?” She was shocked and said she had no idea, but the Lord had laid my name on her heart and she just had to reach out to me. (another, more local friend reached out and said, “the Lord told me to pray for you.”)

I found a dime at a pizza restaurant when my whole family was there to celebrate a birthday. (dimes from heaven- google it)

My sister had someone pay it forward by buying her order in the drive thru. It was a red Saturn Vue. My mom’s old car (and in my speech at her funeral I specifically asked for people to pay it forward by paying for the car behind you in the drive thru in Judy’s honor).

My sisters have found dimes. 

My sister found a random “J” cut out on her cricut machine (mom’s name is Judy) 

We’ve all seen more cardinals than we’ve ever seen before.

I see hawks nearly every single day.

I have faith. But, my mom didn’t want to die, and we didn’t want her to either. She was 60. She could’ve had 40 more years on earth, yet the good Lord felt she was needed more in Heaven than she was on Earth. That leaves my dad, my sisters, her mom, her sister, one of her brothers, her grandchildren and friends to weather this storm alone. I must remind myself that we are not alone, though, because we have each other. And I am very proud of how we’ve leaned on one another during this terrible time.  I’m also proud of my mom and her fight. I do find solace in the fact that she is pain free and happier than she’s ever been before.  She’s with her dad, her mother and father in law, lots of patients that she has cared for, her little brother and many, many friends. One day. Not today. But, one day, I will be at peace with that and one day I will see her again and she will be that strong, smiling woman that she once was.                                                                                                   Until then, I must live up to her standards of kindness, empathy, manicures, and really good cooking.

Judith Ann Straw lived 60 years and 40 days on this earth. She was married to my dad, Randy, for 34 years. She was the daughter of Karl and Pat Benson. She had 3 other daughters and she was incredibly proud of them: Rachael, Randi, and Leslie. She was fortunate enough to have 8 grandchildren: Caleb, Addison, Cameryn, Avery, Cohen, Braxton, Easton, and Lincoln. She was so proud of being a nurse and a “nana.” She deserves a thousand tears and she’ll be forever missed. 

“So, I'll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah
You're home” –Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran 

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise” -Blackbird by The Beatles 

 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” Psalms 34:18.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

“I took a walk to clear my head,

This is where the walking lead
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer” – Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan 

“I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by Your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
I can only imagine                                                                                                                     Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine” – I can only Imagine by Mercy Me 

 "To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”-- Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling 

100 miles

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There comes a time to push. And there comes a time to let the soul rest.  I’ve been in rest mode since the beginning of the year. Currently? I’m pushing. And I know exactly what is driving me to do so.

            My April goal? The month of my 4 year anniversary of my running birth, I will run 100 miles in one month. Not a huge deal… Some people run ultra marathons and they run 100 miles at one time. To me, that falls under the category of insanity. Don’t get me wrong; I have my moments where I dole out slices of crazy. (At least my insight is in tact, right? ;) ) But I’m not to any sort of insane multi digit mile runs… and I can, with complete confidence, say that I never will be.

2016 plagued me with terrible health. Ugh. Is that too dramatic? People are very sick all over the world, so I’ll rephrase. I was deeply challenged in 2016 by my body rebelling. I was diagnosed with THREE autoimmune disorders. Symptoms? Fatigue, severe bone pain that made it almost impossible to even walk up my stairs, weight gain, decreased strength, rash all over my neck, arms, and armpits. Unrelenting itchy rash for months. It led me to the ER. Ya think I was running much in 2016? Nah. My body couldn’t handle it. I, however, found an amazing endocrinologist who listened to me when I said, “I feel like crap!” despite the fact that my labs were normal, my diet was much better and I was applying all of the essential oils that I could. She changed my meds, which bridged the gap in my poor health and I immediately felt like a new woman. Seriously. It was within days that I felt great. So, 9 months after my med change I’ve decided it’s time for a challenge. I’m not ready to lace up with the intent of running 13.1 miles. That day will come again. This day is for running shorter distances faster and stronger than I ever have with 15 more miles packed into one month than I’ve ever done before.  I can do it. My soul needs me to do it.

            As much as I enjoy sorting out my thoughts, I don’t enjoy insight. It makes me uncomfortable. But, I must do it to proceed. Despite the feeling of wanting to zip my skin off and run away from it….. I try whole-heartedly not to think of myself and how I’m affected by situations. But the truth is I take a very practical approach to every situation with the initial goal of solving the problem. I’m a problem solver. The solution finder. I think it helps my brain to cope with whatever situation that presents. Child trips over shoe and falls and hurts wrist? First instinct, hug child and then say- “well I told you to pick your shoes up.” (Mental note, child needs more sympathy, less solving of the problems in acute moment of injury….) Bad news from my mom? Well, we need a second opinion. Let’s see what oils I have that can help the symptoms… While my stomach is lurching and my brain feels full of cotton- I have to verbalize this (is it verbalizing when you’re typing? Just as- can you say “I am currently reading –blah blah book title- when in fact you’re listening to the audio book? Such problems to solve! ;))

My mom has cancer and she has battled it off and on since April 15^th 2010… I guess that “anniversary” is approaching, too…. Well after years of chemo, several surgeries, some tries at radiation- the Drs told her there is nothing else they can do. Her colon cancer spread to her lungs years ago and now it has metastasized to her adrenal gland. She is not a surgical candidate. She cannot have further radiation. And she has elected not to continue with chemo due to the side effects. But that decision coincided with the Dr’s determination that chemo was not working anyway, so “maybe it’s time to enjoy life. “ per the doc.

My mom and I do not have near the relationship that we used to. Because life. And emotions.  And words. I’m working to improve my attitude and level of engagement in her life. But it isn’t easy. Because life. And emotions. And words.

            People call and text and say “I’m so sorry” “what can I do?!” “do you need anything” cue the peeling of the skin and the running away…. NO! I don’t! Why would I need anything?! This is all going to be ok, so why would I need a thing?

            Cue the solving of the problems. “let’s go to cancer treatment centers of America” “let’s visit cancer care at Kettering hospital” “maybe consider going vegan and bathing in my oils on a daily basis?!” it’s falling on deaf ears. Mostly because I haven’t said half of it. But, also because I know my mom and she’s tired of this fight. That’s one of the reasons that cancer is such a tricky little bastard. We all want to interject our opinions, needs, and beliefs on those dealing with the disease. Where as those dealing with it might not want to hear our opinion because they’re the ones with chronic diarrhea, metal mouth, cold hands, numb feet, constant chemo-fog, such severe fatigue that they can sleep for 22 hrs out of the day, no appetite, nausea, dizziness, and hair loss. They are losing in an attempt to win. It’s been 6 years. That’s one hellofa battle. She’s been rescued from her POW status. She’s coming home. And, honestly, she looked better last week than she has in 18 months. I think, despite the news, she feels such a sense of relief.

            So, how do I solve the problem of my mom dying? Is she dying? The Dr did not provide a prognosis because she’s “outlived the expectations of the medical staff” They offered her hospice services. She declined. My mind reels and my stomach churns. I don’t know what to say. This is the beginning of the end. The beginning of the end…..

            I’m stubborn and I’m a solver of the problems….. I’m frustrated and confused. So, I’m running. I’m running my heart out and I’m mourning and I’m trying to heal my soul. Healing before it crumbles into a million pieces. I haven’t cried and I won’t because I don’t know what the future holds. Does anyone? We don’t know what tomorrow is or holds. So, I’ll run and I’ll call my mom in the afternoon to see how she’s doing. I’ll enter this phase of life with complete uncertainty and complete faith in the Lord because He loves my mom more than I do.  I’ll run and I’ll pray without ceasing. The Lord hears and answers prayers every single day. I know this and I believe this.

4 miles down. 96 to go.

we are alike.

I’m hot, sweaty and I stink. My ears and lungs are burning. I just got back from a run on this beautiful 55* November day. (should I be running?! Some say it’s bad for my joints and I’ll regret it when I'm older?? I’ll need to google that later…)

I’ll never forget the day the good Lord told me to run (although, I don’t call myself a “runner”- I’ve been lacing up my shoes and hitting the pavement for 3 ½ years and I’m forever grateful for the outlet) I needed today’s run more than I think I’ve ever needed one in the past… Well, I can’t say that that is true because I’ve received devastating news multiple times over the years and typically my first response is “I. must. Run.” I’ve run with tears streaming down my face… I’ve gotten out there to unknot my stomach, clear my head, pray, worship, ask for forgiveness and write. Yup. Write. Many of my best thoughts have come to me during my runs. (I give God all the credit…) He spoke to me in a big way today and I’d like to share my insights…. Please leave your pitchforks and doomsday predictions at home and just hear me out for a few minutes.

We are more alike than we are different. Let me give a you a moment to digest that…….. 

We are more alike than we are different.

We all want the best, brightest futures for our kids. We tuck them in at night, kiss them, and tell them we love them. We chastise ourselves for not being the most patient mom, the most playful dad that we can be. We promise that tomorrow we will try harder. We hope that tomorrow doesn’t bring a terror attack, the shooting of a police officer, the shooting of an innocent victim, riots, robberies, or tornadoes. We want them to grow up in a safe, prosperous country (which is a legacy millions of children are not afforded- I am not naïve to that fact)

As a whole, we generally want the basic comforts of life including a decent roof over our heads, a healthy dinner (that reminds me, I need to google “arugula” it seems I should be eating a lot of it… or adding it to my drinks? Or putting it in my bath water? Anyway… I’ll look into that later) where was I? Oh yea, basic comforts… We’d all like 1 or 2 really great friends, a spouse that loves and protects us. Equality- whether that is who you marry, what bathroom you use at target, equal pay or paternity leave.  Whether we admit it or not, we just want to be accepted and loved for who we are. The majority of us go to work and carry out the daily grind all for the good of our family. To advance ourselves, pay off debt, contribute to college funds and retirements, donate to church and missionaries…. Some of us are stay at home moms, home schooling moms, stay at home dads, part time employees, or 60+ hours a week employees. Whatever your title- it’s what works for you and your family so it isn’t wrong! We all are just doing the best that we can with the tools that we are given. And this war must stop. This war of indifference for what we say and who we hurt because we believe we are right and our way is the only way.

Hang on- my tea kettle is whistling. Green tea is supposed to be good for your heart. Or your blood pressure? I don’t know I’ll research it later. 

I’ve been allowing myself to be way too affected by the statuses and comments of others on social media. I read things and immediately conjure an argument and a rebuttal.  The desire to debate down to the last period the infinite minutia of every issue that comes to mind is undeniable.  I think to myself  “but, you’re wrong and I’m right” “I’m trying to get you to see things my way” “I want you to understand where I’m coming from” “you’re wrong because you don’t agree with me” Well, folks. I’m here to tell you that IT ISN’T ABOUT ME. It isn’t about you.

Many more of my friends are hurting in ways that I’ve never imagined… the proof has bled out in their Facebook statuses. You formed your opinion based on your research, your emotions, your life experiences- including your hurts and fears just as I have. Please know, friends, I’ve been praying for healing for all of us. I see your pain and I’m sorry for it. But, I’m also hurting because of the name-calling, bullying, the complete intolerance and lack of respect of other people’s opinions. While the country continues to feel restless, afraid, and hateful we all project and reflect that in some way. Some of us carry the words of others very heavily. Some of us post very emotionally charged statuses, a lot of us pray, some of us run, some of us drink wine, some of us clean from top to bottom (My hubby recently joked that our house hasn’t been this clean since the last presidential election, when nervous energy had me scrubbing from floor to ceiling!) I did some of that today, too. I stripped beds, swept, dusted and bleached bathrooms- wait… should I be using bleach?! Does it cause cancer? Add that to my list of things to google later…. 

Can we agree to unite for the future of our children? What’s done is done. Burning a flag and name calling and then saying “I want my children to grow up in a great country” is completely contradictory, self indulgent and unproductive. If you are the best you that you can be. And I am the best me that I can be- isn’t that all of an example that our kids need? If we wake up with thankful hearts, joy, patience, understanding, peace and hopefulness that everything will be ok; then our children will carry that with them. If we continue with the blatant hatred, bullying, and riotous behavior than that is the example we are setting. Is that the best we can do? No. It isn’t. I am choosing love, forgiveness, joy, and acceptance of my friends and family both who do and who don’t agree with me. I’m moving forward with a newfound hope and peace as frustration, fear, and anger are too great of burdens to bear.

I want to close by reiterating the fact that I am sorry I allowed myself to be offended by others. I want to apologize for my frustrations and the thoughts that I’ve had over the past few days (they haven’t been pleasant). I sense the pain and fear in everyone’s words and I’m praying for healing. Praying for peace, unity, and acceptance. The clarity and calm that I feel right now is one that I wish everyone could feel. Please know that it will be ok. It will be better than ok. I truly, firmly believe that. No matter who is commander in chief of this country. It will be better than ok.

He has overcome.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to give you hope and a future.”  -Jeremiah 29:11

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:13-14

 

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” –John 13:34-35

 

 

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In this time of desperation

When all we know is doubt and fear

There is only one foundation

We believe. We believe

We believe in God the Father

 ---We Believe. The Newsboys

 

 

What about people? Let’s get together and feel all right.

As it was in the beginning (one love)

So shall it be in the end (one heart)

All right!

Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right.

---One Love. Bob Marley

 

 

We were raised in the shadows of crosses and flags.

When we pledge allegiance we take off our hats

Here in our town

We say yes ma’am and no ma’am

We love we don’t hate

That world that’s gone crazy- it don’t have a place here in our town.

---Our Town. Tyler Farr

 

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Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.